PhD Watch - Time Minus 4 Months (...nearly 3 months)
For those new to joining me on my PhD journey, I now have 4…correction nearly 3 months left until my Doctorate thesis submission deadline (November 30th). I found out I was (miraculously) pregnant 8 weeks into my PhD and if you had told me then (nearly 4 years ago) that I would be here, two children later in the count down to the end I would not have believed you.
Belief….ah yes believing in myself…believing in the process…
Ok time for a confession. I do not believe I can do this. Period.
A couple of week back, it was midnight and I could not sleep. Our children were sleeping soundly in their beds, I was standing in the kitchen tears streaming down my face, fear wrapped around me and my heart and I wondered how on earth will I get through? I was glad on this occasion that our youngest woke and needed feeding (ah motherhood). I did eventually sleep but my self doubt remains.
I feel like I have got nowhere. I am still waiting for my revised manuscript to be reviewed again. I have only just got my second manuscript to a standard my supervisor can read. I am barely half-way through my third paper and stumbling around with the statistics for it. My literature review is in major draft form….you get the picture.
I am in the thick of it and I just cannot see the wood from the trees. You will have noticed I missed my ‘4 months to go’ blog date. I did not want to fess up to this. That despite all my previous positivity I am so stuck right now in believing that I cannot do this - I am so afraid.
I am afraid of failure, afraid of the work, afraid of what it will take to get me there, afraid of the impact on my family.
I am afraid of not being able to fulfill my job at Fit College NZ, to keep running my business, to give my clients the best service possible.
I am desperately trying to be the best mum I can, to be there for my children and not miss out on those times and moments which are so important to me. I am afraid that despite my incredible husband’s unrelenting love and support that I am also not enough for him right now. I want it all to be perfect and to appear like I have it all together, when really I am still stumbling my way through motherhood and wonder most days what the heck am I doing?!
So many times I think about hanging up my boots with one of these responsibilities…ok I think about giving it ALL up, taking the boys out of day care and just being at home with them. But this is not me, this is not what I really want… and yes even this I am ashamed to admit.
I am equally, if not more so afraid of success. Our close family friend and life/business coach asked me a couple of weeks back “imagine Julie if you did actually do this?”. So I tried to imagine and cold hard fear just gripped at me. Yes imagine. Imagine actually handing in my completed thesis on November the 30th. Imagine actually finishing something I thought was impossible. Imagine reaching the pinnacle of research and truly being an expert in my field – a Doctor no less.
Through events that have shaped my life, I have a natural default to do everything on my own. It keeps me safe. It means that others cannot hurt me or let me down. It means I do not have to trust others. It is highly effective but equally debilitating. Right now I am smack up against this – as in order for me to go above and beyond what I see possible – I need to allow other’s to help, I need to share that I am struggling, I need to TRUST what other’s see in me that I can’t and that terrifies me. I know I will do this, pure grit and determination will get me there eventually (it always has) but my journey is now different. I want to inspire others to take on something beyond what society says can be done. I want to make a difference. I want my boys to know that you truly can achieve your dreams.
So it’s time. Time for me to close my eyes and trust those so willing to help me.
A journey into the unknown is not always pretty. Sometimes you have to search into the bottom of your heart and beyond. Sometimes you just have to take a step forward even though you do not know what direction you are going in. I have got this far, surely I can get across the line…? Right….?
Here’s to stumbling through motherhood, PhD study and beyond,
Xxx The New Mum’s Nutritionist
Belief….ah yes believing in myself…believing in the process…
Ok time for a confession. I do not believe I can do this. Period.
A couple of week back, it was midnight and I could not sleep. Our children were sleeping soundly in their beds, I was standing in the kitchen tears streaming down my face, fear wrapped around me and my heart and I wondered how on earth will I get through? I was glad on this occasion that our youngest woke and needed feeding (ah motherhood). I did eventually sleep but my self doubt remains.
I feel like I have got nowhere. I am still waiting for my revised manuscript to be reviewed again. I have only just got my second manuscript to a standard my supervisor can read. I am barely half-way through my third paper and stumbling around with the statistics for it. My literature review is in major draft form….you get the picture.
I am in the thick of it and I just cannot see the wood from the trees. You will have noticed I missed my ‘4 months to go’ blog date. I did not want to fess up to this. That despite all my previous positivity I am so stuck right now in believing that I cannot do this - I am so afraid.
I am afraid of failure, afraid of the work, afraid of what it will take to get me there, afraid of the impact on my family.
I am afraid of not being able to fulfill my job at Fit College NZ, to keep running my business, to give my clients the best service possible.
I am desperately trying to be the best mum I can, to be there for my children and not miss out on those times and moments which are so important to me. I am afraid that despite my incredible husband’s unrelenting love and support that I am also not enough for him right now. I want it all to be perfect and to appear like I have it all together, when really I am still stumbling my way through motherhood and wonder most days what the heck am I doing?!
So many times I think about hanging up my boots with one of these responsibilities…ok I think about giving it ALL up, taking the boys out of day care and just being at home with them. But this is not me, this is not what I really want… and yes even this I am ashamed to admit.
I am equally, if not more so afraid of success. Our close family friend and life/business coach asked me a couple of weeks back “imagine Julie if you did actually do this?”. So I tried to imagine and cold hard fear just gripped at me. Yes imagine. Imagine actually handing in my completed thesis on November the 30th. Imagine actually finishing something I thought was impossible. Imagine reaching the pinnacle of research and truly being an expert in my field – a Doctor no less.
Through events that have shaped my life, I have a natural default to do everything on my own. It keeps me safe. It means that others cannot hurt me or let me down. It means I do not have to trust others. It is highly effective but equally debilitating. Right now I am smack up against this – as in order for me to go above and beyond what I see possible – I need to allow other’s to help, I need to share that I am struggling, I need to TRUST what other’s see in me that I can’t and that terrifies me. I know I will do this, pure grit and determination will get me there eventually (it always has) but my journey is now different. I want to inspire others to take on something beyond what society says can be done. I want to make a difference. I want my boys to know that you truly can achieve your dreams.
So it’s time. Time for me to close my eyes and trust those so willing to help me.
A journey into the unknown is not always pretty. Sometimes you have to search into the bottom of your heart and beyond. Sometimes you just have to take a step forward even though you do not know what direction you are going in. I have got this far, surely I can get across the line…? Right….?
Here’s to stumbling through motherhood, PhD study and beyond,
Xxx The New Mum’s Nutritionist