I Lost A Bit Of Me
As 2018 nears the end, I have been able to decrease the intensity of my work for a bit and it has been a time to pause and churn the year over.
I have forged ahead into a lot of incredible ventures this year, but it has been a very hard process. Constantly stepping into the unknown and up against a lot of resistance. Like tackling a thick forest with a small blade trying to hack down a path in the trees, while also defending my back from creatures lurking out, attacking my business and my family.
This sounds dark, but that is what it has felt like for a significant portion of the year. Looking over many of my blogs from the last 12 months reaffirms this. I guess I expected the small blade & thick forest as part-and-parcel of the deal, but not so much the hidden creatures. At least not at this point in the game. The ‘hidden creatures’ are also known as - other businesses, organisations and people who not only do not ‘get’ what we are up to but make an active and vindictive effort to be hurtful and unkind.
It is fair to say that my values have been truly tested. In reflection, I feel that even without consciously realising it, I lost a bit of myself too.
You may have noticed this well before I have.
Despite not wanting too, I have given a lot of energy to those that do not deserve it. This is hard for me to acknowledge. For example, when ‘that Breakfast interview' happened, I lost three days. Literally. In dealing with the response from it. Especially the emotional side. The sad reality being that a significant portion of those comments came from fellow woman with businesses in a similar industry. That is one incident this year. The tip of a very large iceberg which extends far beyond comments on social media.
As a result, I started to operate out of fear. I agonised over what others thought of me. What ‘their’ response would be. I posted less on social media, especially Facebook. My writing has suffered significantly. The heart of what I do. I normally write every day. It is essential no matter how big or small the writing blocks are. I also love it. It has been equally my outlet and my creative genius since I got my first diary at the age of eleven. However, I have found the gaps in the days…. weeks even between writing…. get progressively bigger.
It was not until this past week, when looking over my goals for the year, where I initially shared we were looking to have baby number three, did it register I have not authentically written about any part of this journey except for the occasional snippet.
This is just not me.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing you never have at the time. I cannot regret this giving of energy. Giving away such an important part of myself. All I can do is learn.
Like all journeys there has been a silver lining.
There is nothing like having your back against a wall to truly find who is in your corner. No amount of money on earth can teach you this.
I have found more of ‘my people’ as a result.
Maybe I had to lose a bit of myself to find this.
Maybe even ‘losing myself’ are not the right words, but let’s go with those. Just writing this blog has felt like there is more of me here again.
I have written this in the quiet moments on Christmas Day and Boxing day. Not because I had to. I wanted to. I choose to. The words flowed.
Looking back, I would not trade what I have learnt and found this year for anything. Sure, it would be great just to have found this without all the challenges but that’s just not how it works. Growth comes from our failures and our lessons.
I am also not saying the year has been terrible. There have been many amazing highs. To end the year with an incredible team of working mums to further the life changing work we do is something I never even dreamed of at the start of the year.
Now it is time for me to redefine what next year will be. Not just because it is a new year. I believe you can start something or restart at any time, but it all happens to align.
Maybe that is a sign of things to come next year.
I hope that you too can take some time to reflect on all your highs and lessons – it is not always easy to do this especially when juggling all the balls we do but can bring some important insights just like it has for me,
And until the next blog in the new year…. which I have also been writing….
Love, as always
Dr Julie xoxo
P.S If you are looking for a space to working, plan or even just to sleep in order to do such thinking, my next working mums retreat in March has one spot left (Feb has sold out) just check out all the details here – this photo in this blog was taken there and I couldn’t do what I do without these!